Day 171 of 365

I'm having a wardrobe issue. Not a malfunction, but a problem. I have too many clothes that don't fit.

I have my fat, fat clothes. The ones that are the biggest size I have, me at my highest weight.

I have my fat clothes. Ones that I wore as I was losing weight a few years back. Ones that I am far away from fitting in right now.

I have my not-so-fat clothes that I wore at my lowest weight a couple years back. Clothes I could fit into before I hurt my back, before I started treatment for Rheumatoid Arthritis, before my knee replacement, and before my two shoulder surgeries.

And I have the clothes my mom can't wear anymore that she passed along to me. And right now, even those are all too tight.

I just have too many clothes in too many different sizes. And all those sizes don't fit.

It's not like I didn't try and get some weight off again. Cut out that sugar (yeah, it had started to creep back but I got a hold of it again). I exercised for 120 days in a row (yeah, I started to barely get a mile in these last couple weeks).

And I've tried to get rid of my clothes surplus over the last few years so I wouldn't have all these sizes. I first got rid of some of my fat, fat clothes because when I lost the weight I was confident I'd never get that high again. (Boy, I was wrong.)

Then as I gained the weight again, I got rid of some of my not-so-fat clothes because I felt like I failed and I'd never be at that lower weight again.

Then I thought I'd never return to work, so away went some more of my fat clothes and more of my fat, fat clothes.

I do have some clothes that fit. What fits is what I've been wearing most of the time these last couple years - shorts, sweats, jeans, and t-shirts.

But I have a job that requires a certain standard of clothing. I have lots of perfect clothes for work - dozens of tops and bottoms, all different sizes and color, all with one thing in common.

I can't fit into them.

There's nothing like the frustration of not fitting into anything you own to get you motivated to make changes. So it's either go buy several new outfits in yet another size or make a change. Now that I've had some breathing room and thinking time today, I've opted for a change.

An improved exercise program is being put into place. I'm upping the mileage, upping the minutes, adding in some exercise videos and adding some weights.

And a cleaner diet. Looking at today's harvest from our garden, there will be no shortage of vegetables.

Day 170 of 365

Sometimes we don't appreciate what we have and what we have access to. I've believed that for quite some time, but it really struck home with me today.

I was born and raised in California and didn't appreciate what the state had to offer. Part of it had to do with the Beach Boys. Every time I heard the lyrics I wish they all could be California girls I knew I wasn't nearly as cute as they thought I should be. So I never really considered myself a California girl. 

We lived 45 miles from San Francisco. Our school field trips were mostly to San Francisco so we got to go to places like the US Mint, the Exploratorium, and the bakery. But otherwise, my family never visited the city. San Francisco was touristy and too busy and had too much traffic. I never went to Fisherman's Wharf, the Golden Gate Bridge, Alcatraz, or rode a cable car.

But as an adult living in Idaho? Yep, we've made trips to San Francisco. And millions of people make San Francisco their vacation destination. But when we lived just 45 miles away, we never did.

Which is just like the Idaho State Capitol in Boise. I'm embarrassed to admit I've never stepped foot in the building. I have no excuse for that. I've lived in Idaho for 30 years now. For several of those years, I lived in Boise just down the street from the Capitol. (Right there at Capitol Boulevard, in fact.) And later, when we moved out here to the country some 40 or so miles away from Boise, I taught 4th grade. 4th grade Idaho History where we talked about the Capitol Building. Yet we never took a field trip there.

But today I had a work meeting in Boise. At the State Capitol Building.

For the first time in my life, I walked into the State Capitol today.

And after my meeting was over, I made sure to go to the rotunda I heard so much about and take out my camera and take a picture.

Now I know what all the fuss is about.

Day 169 of 365

Today's picture happened because of my daughter.

She's home this week, helping us get a handle on the gardens. With my husband and I both back in school, our time to keep up on the gardens has waned.

Our daughter likes to have her own money. When she was in high school, she worked at our local pizza place. Later on she spent a summer working at McDonald's getting lots of overtime and lots of cash in the bank.

Once she went off to college her money started to slip away. We paid for all her expenses - tuition, room and board, books, etc., but being away from home with no adults to help her reign in spending, it went and went fast. By year two she was broke.

Now, she's almost two years into her latest job and loves it. She loves having her own money again, not having to ask the folks for living expenses. She loves her job at a high-end department store - and loves spending money there. Thank goodness she knows how to wait until clothes go on clearance!

But she always likes being able to come home and earn just a bit extra. Sometimes she works for trade - cell phone paid for the month for a hard day's work, or sometimes she grocery shops in our pantry for payment. And sometimes she likes cold, hard cash.

She's young and fit and is able to do those things we can't physically do anymore. Eventually we'll have to give up some of our gardening because of our limitations, but as long as she wants to earn money we're more than happy to pay her to help.

She's enjoying working in the vegetable garden this year since she was the one who planted it. She's enjoying harvesting veggies to take home with her. And she was very excited about the huge russet potato she pulled out of the ground.

Whoa!

Day 168 of 365

I finally broke it.

Yesterday I got home after a long day's work after 6:00. Then, I

• Posted my tutorial and picture of the pocket tissue cover.
• Had dinner.
• Hemmed my husband's pants.
• Made sugar cookies.
• Guided my daughter in picking corn and digging potatoes.
• Decorated sugar cookies.
• Made salsa.

Then tonight I got home after a long day's work after 6:30 and I:

• Had dinner.
• Tied my husband's tie for tomorrow.
• Finished up making salsa.
• Posted my blog.
• Tried on clothes my mom gave to me.
• Packed for my overnight trip to my daughter's tomorrow night.
• Paid bills.

Something was missing from both those days.

After 120 consecutive days I broke my exercise streak. For two days in a row, I have not ridden my exercise bike.

It was a conscious decision. A hard decision.

I could have (maybe) got myself downstairs and on the exercise bike for one short mile like I've been doing this last week or so, but didn't. I couldn't face another day of doing a half-hearted attempt at keeping the streak going.

I knew I could not dedicate the energy/stamina/focus to bike as long as I should. On these work days, I've been barely squeezing in a mile. I've just been going through the motions.

If I'm exercising, I need to put my all into it. And I'm not.

I'm not giving up exercising all together, but I am giving it up right now, temporarily. Hopefully no more than just this week. For quite some time before I started back to work, I was biking anywhere between 3-5 miles a day. I need to again find the dedication to ride like before.

But I'm exhausted - both mentally and physically. If you've been on this journey with me, you know I've been exhausted like this before. I feel like I can't catch a desperately needed break. I know in a few short weeks my schedule will be more manageable, so I just need to hold on.

I'm grasping with every last bit of energy I have.

I did do a good deed, though. The sugar cookies I made yesterday were for the school secretary, who shared some onions (hence the new batch of salsa) and carrots from her garden with us. So I returned the favor with some tomatoes from our garden and some carrots from my oven.