Day 227 of 365

Change is here. It's that time.

The clothesline is down. When our trees were pruned last week the workers had to take it down, so back to the dryer we go. No more fresh smelling laundry, no more weekly shoulder workouts from hanging clothes on the line. No more using the clothespin bag I made on Day 29.

Our irrigation water is done for the year. No more fighting the sprinklers or the pump. No more watering the grass, no more stray sprinklers hitting the house. No more watering the roses or the vegetables. What's there is there, and there will be no more growth this year. We've stopped pruning the roses and we've stopped weeding.

When we wind up the year in the garden it's always a welcome relief. In the spring we're itching to get outside, but by the time October rolls around we're ready for it to be over. While we haven't had our first frost yet, the nights have been cool enough to stop things from growing much. Our tomatoes that were green on the vine a couple weeks back are still green. Our pumpkins are being picked and we're holding out hope our watermelons will have just a bit more time to ripen.

We have a bit of a window to relax before we really close the gardens down. As soon as the leaves turn colors and fall to the ground it'll take constant raking to keep them corralled. As soon as the first frost hits we'll have to clean up the vegetable garden. And as soon as we have several hard freezes, it'll be time to cut the roses back.

But right now all we have to do is wait and enjoy the nice days we do have. And enjoy those roses that are still blooming.

I may not know the name of this miniature rose of ours, but I do know it's a pretty one.

Day 226 of 365

My blog has done a lot for me.  It's made me realize I'm not alone out there.

It also has given me a place to:

• write down my thoughts.
• complain or celebrate.
• show off my skills.
• show off sewing projects.
• get encouragement from others.
• keep track of my exercise streak and mileage covered.
• document my life.

It has given me a reason to:

• take a picture every day. 
• buy a new camera (so I can take better pictures).
• get out of bed.

It has let me:

• practice my writing.
• practice getting my thoughts together after having them scattered by too many pain pills.
• do a bit of teaching (with my tutorials).
• share the stories of my life.
• prove I am committed to kids and service members (with my sewing projects).

The one regret - the one area it hasn't had an impact - is in the weight loss department. As much as I wanted it to, it really hasn't led me towards healthier living.  I have not led myself to healthier living.

But my destiny is in my hands. And it starts now. I've talked the talk now it's time to walk the walk. Tonight I enjoyed my last un-healthy meal, my favorite one I remember from childhood.

Two McDonald's cheeseburgers, fries, and apple pie.

My last supper. (Bad-for-me one, that is.)

Day 225 of 365

I'm not into astrology, but I do read my horoscope every day. I like reading the one on Yahoo because it seems to have some kind of positive affirmation for the day. In a lot of cases it just confirms that the plans I already have for the day are right on. Part of mine today read:  

Right now, it's okay to luxuriate in the comfort of the familiar. Your family offers you immense joy, and they are very receptive to listening to whatever you want to discuss.

Hmm. My plans fit perfectly.

This morning I'm headed to get ultrasounds on my hands. Since where I'm having the ultrasound isn't too far from my daughter and mom's place, I'm headed there next and am spending the day there.

My daughter is a bit stressed about me coming over because of what is expected of her. I'm bringing my camera and tripod and we're going to work on a tutorial for next Tuesday. That is, I mean she is going to work on a tutorial for next Tuesday. She's doing a cute little fall decorated cupcake. I'm looking forward to it whether she is or not. My horoscope did say my family will be receptive to listening!

I don't know how receptive my mom is going to be, though. She hasn't gotten her sewing machine out in I don't know how many years. But she's going to have to get it out today.

When I did the 80 stockings for Stockings for Soldiers on Day 222  I didn't use up all my Christmas fabric and felt. I have some left so I cut out some stockings and felt, have some straight pins stuck in the owl pincushion I made on Day 195, and have some thread and wound bobbins. It's all ready to take with me today.

It's not too hard to guess what my mom will be working on.

Let's hope my horoscope was right about my family being receptive to listening.

Day 224 of 365

Someone at work told me today they were worried about me. That my eyes don't look the same as they did when I first started back to work.

Like I've written before (way back on Day 28) my eyes always give it away. Here's what I wrote then:
After several years being sick and still working, it became exhausting having to be "on" all the time. I had to work hard at keeping up a good front. Some people knew I wasn't well and would ask about how I was doing. While I didn't want to admit how bad things had gotten, sometimes the lack of spark in my eyes gave it away. So working was double exhausting - having to work while sick and in pain, and having to keep faking happy as long as possible. It wore me out.

I might as well have written that fresh today. I'm there. Back there. Exhausted, feeling bad, and putting on a fake front. It's no wonder. Today was the perfect storm of the three part-time job hats I'm wearing. I was at work by 7:30 this morning and I finally left the building a while after 6:30 this evening. Who leaves a school building that late at night? If I had the energy, I'd raise my hand on that one. But I don't have the energy. Not right now.

I know I'm doing some things right. Things I wasn't doing months back, things that should help me through these 12ish hour days. But I'm also doings some wrong things.

I'm doing the right things by:

• continuing to write every day.
• going to work a just few days (albeit long days) a week and being home a couple days a week.
• taking the time I need in the mornings to get my body moving.
• sewing for others.
• continuing to look for my picture of the day.
• staying off of pain pills.

I'm doing the wrong thing when I neglect my health. I'm not eating well. I'm skipping meals, then eating a large meal to make up for not eating. I'm not pacing myself at work. I go and go and go until I can't go anymore. Then I come home, totally exhausted with no energy to do anything. How did I let that get out of control? What happened to paying attention to my energy and pain level and getting a hold of it before it got away from me?

And another thing - since the mornings have gotten darker and the weather has turned cooler I've stopped walking. Actually, I've stopped all exercise. I don't know how that happened, either. I was walking and also hanging out with my buddy Richard Simmons. But somehow, some way, it stopped. I didn't even make the conscious decision to stop. I wake up one day and realize I haven't exercised in a couple weeks. How does that happen? How is it that I could have been so committed to something (I had 120 days in a row earlier, doggone it!) and yet lose that commitment? Why have I let my mind get cluttered with so many other things that I've forgotten the most important thing of all - me?

I've lost my way. I've lost what I had. I've lost my focus on myself. And I don't know where to find it again. So many questions, so few answers.

Guess I'm like the colors in our burning bush. Change is slow, and I'm certainly not all there yet.