Day 120 of 365

I understand that if my prescription runs out early for any reason my provider will not prescribe extra medication for me. I will have to wait until the next prescription is due, even if this means my going through withdrawals. I also understand that going through withdrawals is uncomfortable, but not life threatening.


I also understand that prescriptions will not be changed without me returning the rest of my original prescription to the office for identification, counting, and disposal.


I agree to periodic unscheduled drug screens regardless as to whether or not it is covered by my insurance.


I understand that I may become dependent on opioid medications, which in a small number of patients may lead to addiction. If addiction occurs, the medication will be discontinued and I will be referred to a drug treatment program for help.

Just a few of the things I had to sign off on today when I made my first visit to the pain clinic.

The previous doctor had declared I had reached "maximum medical improvement" and that I'd be on pain meds the rest of my life. A while back I took myself off all pain meds and don't want to go back to the meds (or that doctor). I was hopeful a specialty clinic might have some options for me. As I found out today, the options for a chronic back condition like mine are limited. Physical therapy. (Already done that for almost a year for the back.) Injections in the spine. (No thank you, not again.) Why am I not surprised - especially after having to sign off on a list of 20 different drug-related understandings before I could see the doctor - that the best option might be pain medication? (Please, no.)

I have some thinking to do, the doctor has an MRI to check out, and then I may have to make a choice soon. Or, since I'm not happy with the options, refrain from making any choice.

In other sucky news, I was weighed today and have lost a total of one (yes, only 1) pound since Day 83. I don't eat sugar anymore, I've cut down on my portion sizes and cut out snacks, and I ride the exercise bike each and every day and have lost a total of one whole pound. I haven't researched whether weight gain is a side effect of some of my medications, but it has to be. How can someone work so hard for so little?

In non-sucky news, I finished another baby quilt.

Day 119 of 365

I need to give myself a break. Talking about this "confidence" issue I'm thinking it might not be a confidence issue after all.

My mom called after she read yesterday's blog and was concerned that I might be having a panic attack. Not even close. The way I felt about going away to the casino by myself is the same thing I feel about going to the grocery store, the doctor's office, and even going up the stairs at school.

They're all energy-drainers.

Packing and upacking. Pumping gas. Getting changed into a swimsuit and walking to the pool at the hotel. Having to load a grocery cart, unload the cart onto the belt, load the groceries in the car, bring them up the stairs into the kitchen and putting them away. Having to drive 30 miles to the doctor then having to go to the lab for tests.

I have to talk myself into just about anything that involves leaving the house.

As I was talking to my mom about the whole I can't figure out why I came home right away thing, I realized I'm just tired. I'm always tired. Not sleepy tired, but fatigue tired. Always. With my medical issues and the medications I'm taking it's to be expected.

If it is fatigue, is that an excuse not to leave the house? I don't know if I'd rather be in a constant state of fatigue or be lacking confidence.

I think that's why I turn to quilting so much. It's something I can do that doesn't wear me out as much. I can do it quietly, slowly, and at my own pace.

And why I keep taking pictures. Another lightning storm last night.

Day 118 of 365

My bravery didn't last long.

I left yesterday afternoon to go to Jackpot (yep, that's the name of the town) and gamble a bit. By myself. I had a comped room for two nights and all my meals comped for three days. I had $70 in free slot play. The outdoor pool was open and I brought my swimsuit.

Except that I came back home this morning. I played on the free play money, ate one meal, and spent one night in the hotel. My swimsuit never made it out of the suitcase. I had cash that never made it out of my wallet.

I don't know what's up. Back to the confidence again. Of all the things I'm confident about, traveling is certainly at the top of the list. When I was consulting and training I had no problems hopping on a plane and flying off somewhere or driving half way across the state on my own. Not anymore.

It makes me sad. Not mad, not frustrated. Just sad.

I guess I'm not moving forward as much as I thought I was. It's going to take a million more trips before I'll get back to myself. Trips, as of now, I really don't want to take. Becoming a hermit would be a more comfortable option right now. But I know that's not what's best for me.

I should probably use the lyrics from the song Fame for my mantra:

Fame
I'm gonna live forever
I'm gonna learn how to fly
High 

I just so happen to have a Fame rose in bloom right now. Maybe the universe thinks I need a nudge.

Day 117 of 365

Taking pain medication changes who you are. Being in pain and not taking pain medication changes who you are. It's a no-win situation.

Over the past couple years things have been miserable. Horrible. Terrible. Like that children's book Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. Nothing goes right in his day and he says he's going to move to Australia.

Debbie and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Couple of Years.

I went to the doctor and he said I have rheumatoid arthritis and I'll have to take these pills. They'll make you sick because they're chemotherapy pills. Then I went back again and he said I have to take a shot. And I have to give it to myself. And then the pills aren't working so time to start giving yourself another shot every week.

I hurt my back and went to another doctor and he said take these pain pills. Then he told me to take more. And then more. He said it would get better. So I take the pills and try and go to work and get sick and then I have to substitute and then my back hurts more and then I get sicker. Then the doctor says let's give you six shots in your spine. Sorry, but the needle will be five inches long. And sorry, we don't sedate people here so it's going to hurt. And it did. And now I can't work at all.

Then my knee hurts and I have to use a cane. The doctor says it's time to get a new knee, but you're too young, but it looks too bad to wait any longer. Then I wake up from surgery and the doctor had to do a more invasive surgery because the damage was so bad. One of the worst knees he's ever seen. So then I have to learn how to climb up the stairs to get in my house with a walker. And then I have to take even more pain pills.

Then my tooth hurt and I went to the dentist and it took three days of work to get the root canal finished. Oops, they didn't get it all and I have to go to an oral surgeon to finish the job.

Dropped a can on my finger and broke it.

Can't work, in pain, still on pain pills, and decide to take some time off work.

Then I hurt my shoulder and had to have surgery. In a sling for a few months and can't drive and have to sleep in a recliner. Then hurt my other shoulder. Another surgery. In a sling, no driving, no bed again.

Actually the first chapter of the book should be called The Destruction of Deb.

No confidence, no hope, no life left in me.

But chapter two of the book should be called The Reconstruction of Deb.

I wish I was who I used to be in some ways, but not others. I miss my confidence. It was one of those things that defined me most. I lost it somewhere along the way, either because of the pain, the surgeries, or the pain medication.

I'm still looking to get it back. I was hoping it would appear yesterday. My husband is out of town and I was contemplating going to the casino for the night. But it's a three hour drive, a drive I've made many times by myself while visiting my daughter at a college not too far from the casino town. But a drive I'm not comfortable making by myself now. So I resigned myself to staying home and working on quilts and do some clipping of roses.

But today I am brave enough to go by myself, so I will. Like my climbing rose on the shed, my growth is slow but it is there.

Day 116 of 365

I realized the other day that I never went into our rose garden last year.

I'd had the knee replacement surgery in March and the rotator cuff surgery in July. I couldn't walk steadily, I couldn't use but one arm, and I couldn't bend over because of my back.

While this year I'm spending more time out there than last, it's still not even close to what I used to do. I used to go in there every day, bring in fresh roses every day, weed every day, and prune every day.

Now I'm lucky if I get there once a week. I now can go out there and sit thanks to the bench my daughter helped put together this past week. But work? Not so much.

This is the time that the roses are really taking off. Hybrid tea roses. Floribunda roses. English roses. Hedge roses. Climbing roses. They're all on their way to being spectacular.

Even the vegetable garden isn't doing too bad. Quite a bit different than on Day 64.