Day 130 of 365

I wake up every morning with hope.

Hope that my body can get out of bed, get dressed, and eat breakfast without having to take 3 hours to do it.

Hope that I have the stamina to do what I have planned for the day.

Hope that my pain is less than the day before.

Hope that my fatigue is not as great.

Hope that I have a positive attitude through it all.

In the last week I've sent out 5 charity baby quilts. Scrubbed the kitchen clean. Mopped and vacuumed. Pruned up the roses in the rose garden. Went grocery shopping. Had a dentist appointment. Went to the movies. Cleaned and organized the sewing room. Washed windows. Exercised every day. And just today cleaned and organized the den.

I've done more in the last week than I have done in a long time. The combination of all the work has taken a toll on me.

Each day has been a bigger struggle than the day before. Each day I've had to force myself to get out of bed and dressed. Force myself to do my self-assigned task for the day. Force myself to exercise. Force myself to keep going. And even force myself to write and take the picture of the day.

It was tough. Probably the toughest week I've had in a quite a while.

The thing about rheumatoid arthritis is that it makes you feel like you have the kind of flu with the body aches and fatigue, but all the time. Then add in the side effects from my medications. Then add in the back issues. Add in no pain medication. Try and accomplish physical things during the day - cleaning, washing, gardening? It's enough to make someone start popping those pain pills again.

But I didn't. And I won't. Because that's a short term solution.

I want a long term solution. A solution that will let me work in the garden, clean my house, and even get myself dressed without pain. A solution that will allow me the energy to get back to work.

A solution that will help me meet the goal I set when I first started the blog - the hope that I will be back into the land of the living instead of the land of the existing.

This week was proof that I'm not even close.

I'm having to dig down deep to keep a positive attitude about it. I need to be thankful I can get out of bed and get myself dressed (even if it takes 3 hours). I need to be thankful I can wash my windows, mop my floor, exercise, and prune roses, even if it keeps me in pain and takes every bit of oomph I have. And I need to be thankful I can get outside and enjoy my beautiful flowers.

This one just opened today - some type of huge lily. An Asiatic one maybe?

Day 129 of 365

I had to wash my windows today.

There have been so many missed picture taking opportunities lately because I've had dirty windows. It seems like each time I sit down to type, a new bird shows up in the tree out the window. Whether it's a hummingbird, or another yellow bird like on Day 81, or the pair from Day 83, a woodpecker who has been appearing lately, or a new gorgeous orange and yellow bird, I keep missing them because of my dirty windows.

Remember the squirrel from the picture on Day 89? The one that turned on me on Day 101? If I had clean windows I could have captured a picture of mama hummingbird attacking that squirrel. The squirrel was frozen as mama hummingbird buzzed, and buzzed, and buzzed him. Haven't seen that squirrel much since. But what a picture that would have made!

Clean shiny windows and a camera just waiting to snap a picture is a good recipe for the picture of the day. Although my windows are beautiful, nothing has shown up outside them today.

Since I'm not working in my sewing room until my house is spotless (it's getting there), it's back to my gardens for the picture.

Our wildflower bed turned perennial garden looks like it's turned into a den of daisies instead.

Day 128 of 365

Today was a day full of highlights. I thought about ranking them, but I don't know which one is the best!

Worked outside in the garden a bit.

Had no sugar today.

Rode a little over 21 miles on the exercise bike this week.

In the past six weeks, I've biked a tad over 108 miles.

Today was the 82nd consecutive day of exercising.

And two new things in the picture department today - my pic of the day is a video and I have a guest picture, too.

Jenn sent this picture from her cell phone of ducks, geese, and birds in the park. Canadian geese, mallard ducks, a seagull, and an Aflac duck. Can't get much more diverse than that.

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And for the first time, a video for my picture of the day. I took a still picture of it, but the video is so much better. That's our baby hummingbird sitting all by herself in the nest, but not for long. Take a look at what happens next.

Day 127 of 365

When I leave the house during the day, I try and cram as much into one day as possible.

It goes back to when I was working and my daughter was still at home. Since my husband and I had a couple months off in the summer, we would coordinate all our yearly checkups. The three of us have had back to back eye appointments and dentist appointments. We'd make sure his other two yearly checkups he had coordinated with my others. By doing this, we'd get 10-12 appointments done in two days. Two full days of appointments instead of two full weeks of appointments. Squeaking out the most of the summer is important!

Today was one of those appointment days with the two of us having back to back dentist appointments. Then in the afternoon I got to the movies with a couple friends from work.

Since I was going two different places, I decided I might as well add the physical therapist office in there as a stop and make everyone a batch of decorated sugar cookies.

The internal conversation I had with myself over making these cookies was deafening. 

"I'll make beehive and bumblebee cookies and ladybug cookies."

"No, better skip it. I might eat them."

"No, I'm doing okay with sugar, it'll be alright. But I'll make flowerpot ones I saw the other day."

"I'll make two batches, enough for everyone."

"If I make two batches, I might have leftovers and will wind up eating them."

"No I won't. I made Oatmeal Cookies back on Day 109 and didn't have a problem."

"Yeah, but that was Day 109."

"Can I guarantee that I won't eat any sugar cookies?"

"Yes."

"Really?"

"No."

After 2 days of going back and forth, my willpower overpowered my cookie making/eating urge. So no cookies for anyone because I can't trust cookies. (I really mean I can't trust me.)

As much as I'd like to write that, at the end of this day, after struggling for days on the cookie issue, I have control over the sweets issue, I can't.

For after the movies, I picked up dinner for my husband. And I ordered ice cream with candies mixed in. Not because I wanted it, but because it was such a habit to order. And as much as I wish I could write that after ordering it I realized my mistake, I did not. I ate that ice cream and candy concoction on the way home. Only upon almost finishing it did I realize what I was doing. I was eating something that I have been trying to fend off. Something I didn't even want.

I know better. But I wasn't thinking. My habit got the best of me.

At least I can end the day now knowing that my control over sweets is easier maintained at home. Baby steps, I guess.

Am I the only one who has these struggles?

Thank goodness I have some baby strawberries coming on. No sugar needed there.

Day 126 of 365

I used to be a perfectionist. Or at least tried to be. A place for everything and everything in its place. But I'm finding more and more I don't care about that as much.

It's like before our daughter was born. Long before hand sanitizers, I was a clean hands freak. I would wash my hands - with soap - all the time. Multiple times a day. Even when they weren't dirty. Before we moved into rental apartments, I'd wash down every single surface. Even if the walls were clean, I'd still wash them down. Heaven forbid I'd ever touch a wall that someone else had touched.

But after the kiddo came around, there was less and less time to be so particular. I still washed my hands with soap quite a bit, but not like before (except I do use more soap than anyone else in the house). And nowadays, the moment I get in the car from being out shopping or out to eat, or really anywhere I might be where I could have touched something that someone else might have touched, the hand sanitizer is the first thing I grab. Thank goodness for those small bottles I can keep in the car. (The Bath and Body Works fragrant ones are the best!)

Trying to work on my house being deep cleaned (although not perfectly) and using hand sanitizers every time I leave the house, yet having fabric scraps all around my sewing room and drooping dead roses in the garden and not having a mopped kitchen floor - it didn't make sense. So I had to rectify that.

At the end of the day today, I'll feel better than yesterday. (Although I don't feel great about having to give myself a shot tonight.)

Kitchen floor mopped. Check.
Roses pruned. Check.
Sewing room cleaned. Check.

My fabric closet is back to where it was on Day 57  and the rest of the room is finally back to normal as well.