Day 242 of 365

How do you get yourself out of bed when you feel horrible? How do you force yourself to sit at the computer and write? And find joy in sewing again? For 242 straight days I've made myself do it. But some days - like today - I wonder if I can continue.

There are good days, bad days, and even worse days. I'm running a long stretch of days bordering on pretty darn bad. I still can't shake this flu and it's wearing on me. I'm tired, I'm sick, and I'm dreading going back to work this week. It's not like I don't feel crappy enough every day as it is, but now I'm having to dig deeper than ever to find the strength to keep moving forward.

My day's horoscope read:
If you're thinking about making a change in your life, take it slowly -- whether it's a major change or a minor one. Gradual transitions are much more advantageous than abrupt changes right now -- you need to maintain balance in your life. If you swing from extreme to extreme, you'll spend so much energy trying to get back on an even keel that your speed will be wasted. Slow and steady beats fast and frantic right now.

So no changes. I'll just keep plugging along. Writing, picture taking, trying to get through the day.

Although the only picture I could scrape together is a grasshopper staring up at me. While quite unattractive, he (or she) is quite interesting to look at up close.

Day 241 of 365

I put my clothes in the bedroom closet for the first time today.

Here's the deal - my husband is a clothes hound. He likes dressing well. Doesn't own a pair of jeans. He wears a tie to work every day. Loves button down dress shirts. Likes his suits. Over a hundred ties, dozens and dozens of dress shirts in every possible color, and a whole bunch of dress pants equates to a full closet.

The house we live in was build in the 70's with regular sized closets. Ever since we moved into this house - going on 14 years now - I've kept all my clothes in the den closet so that he's had room for all his clothes. So every single morning to get dressed for work I've had to head down the hall to get my clothes. But being in that introspective/contemplative mood this week got me thinking.

Why can't we share the bedroom closet?

It's not like he wears everything in his closet and I certainly don't wear everything in mine. So today (and without much prodding, either) my husband cleaned out a portion of his closet. He found some things to add to the donation box and summer clothes he could store in the den closet. It left enough room for me to bring in the few work outfits I have and hang them up.

For the first time ever, I now will be able to choose my clothes and get dressed in the same room. I have no idea why I didn't think about making this move sooner. 

I also have no idea why I chose to take this picture today. Sitting outside our local grocery store while hubby was in picking up some steak so he could have fajitas for his dinner tonight, I snapped a shot of the crisscrossing power lines. Maybe it had something to do with the stormy clouds in the background or the crows that had just flown by. Kinda Halloween-y.

Day 240 of 365

Having this week off from work has made me more introspective. Or contemplative. Whichever term fits best.

Hubby and I were in town today, and on the way home we decided to come the back way. It was a gorgeous autumn day with trees in many different colors - greens, yellows, oranges, reds, and some that even appeared to be a deep purple. Just like when the trees are blooming in the spring, the fall trees signal a change in season and a change in thought.

As we drove that back way home it hit me that I don't get out much. We live so close to so many things we don't take advantage of.

On the back roads, less than 10 minutes from our house, we drove:

• Across the dam of the lake. A lake that we never go to.
• By the Wildlife Refuge. Not a bird watcher so we never stop.
• Through the fruit orchards and by fruit stands. Yet we buy our fruit at the grocery store.
• By the winery. Since I don't drink wine, I've only been there once. 
• By the park by the river. The one with the paved walking path I used to walk on years ago. And the one with the stocked fishing pond. And we don't fish.

Why do we not go to the lake or to the Wildlife Refuge? Why do we not buy our fruit at the fruit stand? Or stop at the winery for my hubby to do some tasting? Why don't I walk at the park anymore and why doesn't one of us get a fishing license?

Questions with no answers. Laziness, forgetfulness, or busyness?

And why did we grow pumpkins when we don't carve them?

Thank goodness for my daughter forcing me to do something with them. (Not really forcing me - it was good mom-daughter time.) No carving, no messy seeds and guts to deal with. Just a pattern printed off the internet, traced onto the pumpkin with a straight pin, and cut out with some tools.

Day 239 of 365

After hours upon hours riding the bus to and from the casino, the time at the casino where I talked to no one, and the day I spent with my daughter today, I know some things for sure.

I know for sure:

• I like gambling. I like the excitement, I like the distraction. I don't like the noise, the lights, the smoke. And I don't like losing. Having a set schedule where I knew I only had a limited amount of time to play made me become a more aggressive and panicky gambler. I didn't like that part either.
• Last week's flu re-set my need for food. Since then I've still had an upset stomach so I've been holding to a limited diet. Now I like an empty stomach and don't want to be overstuffed again.  Even yesterday when I went to the casino, I didn't use my free meals. I had half a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on the ride down and the other half on the ride back.
• I'll never eat a Hostess pie again. I love Hostess fruit pies. Grew up on them. The blackberry, the lemon - oh my! But last night when the bus stopped at the gas station for a restroom break, I picked up a lemon pie. (That peanut butter and jelly wound up not being all that filling after all.) After I ate the pie, I looked at the calorie count. I should have looked at it before eating it. 490 calories. I can't believe I ate those all the time as a kid. There are a lot of other things in a gas station at 10:00 at night to eat with fewer calories than that, so never again. 
•  I should never buy lottery tickets. A gal at work has been buying these $20 Idaho lottery tickets and has been winning big. At that same gas station stop, with some cash from the casino burning a hole in my purse, I decided to buy one. Got on the bus, scratched it. Nothing. $20 gone just like that.
• There are a lot of semis on the road late at night. And some of those truck drivers have interesting, bordering on dangerous, ways of keeping themselves awake/occupied. Like the drivers (yep, that's plural meaning we saw more than one of them) with a laptop in the front seat with a movie playing.

But the thing I learned today was the best. Watermelon bowling can be fun on an autumn day. The several days of hard freezes have taken out the entire vegetable garden. My daughter and I spent the afternoon cleaning everything out of there. We picked a load of watermelon, but some were just too small and had to be thrown away. So we did what any logical mother and adult child would do. We took the smallest four and made a bowling game out of them. I don't know who taught my daughter how to bowl with watermelons, but she kicked my behind. It didn't last long though, because I ruined the game when I missed and my watermelon busted open when it went careening into the corner of the planter box.

Today's picture is before the damage.

Day 238 of 365

This isn't working anymore.

I've been trying to use up some of my fabric scraps. I've been making block after block after block. As I was sewing a block the other night it occurred to me that it's not working anymore.

It's not that the scraps aren't going together properly, it's not that I can't keep a quarter inch seam, and it's not that I don't like what I'm creating.

It's that sewing isn't taking my mind off the pain like it used to. On Day 107 I had said, The only way I know to make it through each day is to try and keep myself busy with writing, taking pictures, and sewing and quilting for others. 

It's absolutely true. I wouldn't have gotten where I am now without those things, but...

It's getting harder. Harder to keep my mind off the pain. I don't know if the pain has become greater, making it harder to keep my mind focused or if it is something else. One of the reasons I enjoyed getting into the sewing so much is because it kept me from thinking about how bad I was feeling. It was a relaxing process, yet a process where I could focus on something else besides what I was feeling. But now, not so much. The temptation to take a pain pill is returning. A pain pill would provide relief, albeit temporary.

I'm pursuing my own form of temporary relief today. I'm taking a break from sewing for the first time in a while and heading down on the casino bus. Maybe a little getaway for the day will make me feel better. (I doubt it, but you never know!)

It does make me feel better having two more kids' quilts finished up before I head out, though.