Day 354 of 365

The other day my daughter told me not to be like Grandma (my mom).

My mom came into a bit of money recently and has been making some purchases. A new laptop. A new sofa, recliner, end tables. A new TV stand and a new TV (darn, that thing is big). She bought new bedding, new curtains, a bedstand, a lamp, and a new phone. (At least those are the things I know about.) Her place looks very nice.

But it's the computer thing that made my daughter give me a warning. Our home computer is probably 10 or so years old and it is showing it. It spins and whirls and freezes. Trying to edit and upload videos take several restarts. Even pictures throw it a curve sometimes and my husband has a hard time doing his grade reports on it. So we bought an external hard drive and moved everything we could onto it, hoping the problem would be cured. No such luck.

When my daughter found out we were contemplating a new computer she said, "Don't be like Grandma".

My daughter changed her mind. When she was home last week she did her taxes online on the old computer. And the computer froze for a while, whirled and spun just as she was submitting. After a brief period of panic, we now have her blessing to replace it.

Today's picture has our new computer, but also the work I did today in the den.  Some things to know (or maybe they're excuses)...

1. The before is a bit messy as I had started moving things then stopped and realized I should do a before and after.
2. The after is a bit messy with the cords and some of the shelves. I'm pooped out from working on it so I didn't get it all finished. Moving a rolltop desk and bookshelves is hard work!
3. Still no curtains up yet.

before

after

Day 353 of 365

I've been watching this show on Animal Planet called My Cat From Hell. It's about a tattooed guy named Jackson who visits homes where cats are out of control. Biting, attacking, hissing. While our cat has none of those issues, it's quite an interesting show. I've learned a lot about cats in general just by watching it. What I find surprising is that you really can train cats. (Too bad training doesn't work to get you-know-who out of his pajamas today.)

So I started training our cat. We have bags of treats we never wind up using, so I decided to use the treats as, well, treats. I'll hold the treat over her head and she'll stand on her back paws. I've trained her to use her front paws to grab my hands and pull the treat into her mouth. She gets the treat along with a "good girl" from me.

My daughter was excited that kitty responded so well when she tried it, too.

Day 352 of 365

I read a blog today that talked about what people liked in blogs. They liked blogs that had:

• lots of pictures. Check.
• stayed with their true focus. Check.
• tutorials. Check.
• sewing and quilting projects. Check.

They didn't like blogs that had:

• music. Check.
• posts that were complaining. Oops.
• people talking about their illness. Oops.

Guess some of those folks won't like my blog tonight.

I still have been processing my rheumatologist visit. Here's the deal - he wants to switch out one of my medications for another one in hopes to try and get insurance to see that we're trying different things. The two medicines are almost identical, but manufactured by two different companies who have named them two different names. But we have to get insurance to approve this new, highly similar and highly expensive medicine too, so I'm not crossing my fingers. Then he wants me to start on another additional medication and possibly add another one after that.

The thing that has been bugging me these last couple days is the other thing he had to say, though. With the intensive and extensive medication regiments, my symptoms as well as my bloodwork should have shown improvement. So he thinks I need to go to Salt Lake City for further testing and treatment. The hospital at the University of Utah. Something is missing. Something in my treatment is not working and there are no facilities around Idaho that can do what they can do in helping to determine what is going on.

I didn't ask a lot of questions when he talked about it. I didn't ask about the number of days my first initial visit would be. I didn't ask about how often I would have to return. I didn't ask any questions at all.

Because I'm not going.

I'm starting the one new medication he put me on today, but that's it. (Although I said that about the medicine before this one, and the one before that, and the one before that.)

I'll give it some time. No heading to Salt Lake, but also no going off all meds right now. I'll give it a few weeks and if this new cocktail doesn't work, I AM going off everything.

I'm maxed out on daily medication. At 46 I shouldn't have to do this every day.

Day 351 of 365

I'm still processing. Processing how the doctor's visit went, processing how my work day went when I didn't even work today. I should have know when the first line of my horoscope read: You are not the first person to have problems at work...

Being that today was a day off I thought I was in the clear. I received a phone call after my doctor's appointment that required me to drive to work (which is about 25 miles out of my way) and drop something off. Not long after finally returning home I received a second call that required some more immediate attention. That call necessitated making another call, which led me to having to ask our school secretary to find something in my office. That called turned into a return call to the original caller. Not long after that call, an important e-mail requiring a quick response came across my BlackBerry. Which turned into a couple more e-mails and now has turned into needing to make some phone calls first thing tomorrow morning (on another day off). Several hours spent just on work-related fires to be put out. Hours I really didn't have.

But probably a distraction that I needed. I needed something to keep my mind off what I was thinking when I left the rheumatologist's office. I have to let my mind settle from the conversation. I haven't even told my family about what happened. I can't deal with it or think about it right now. It just needs to sit.

On a got something else checked off my list note, my daughter, mom, and I went shopping at Costco yesterday. I loaded up on lots of berries again, of course. My daughter cut some up and served them up on some soft serve ice cream I picked up at Frosty Palace. Yum.

Day 350 of 365

My capacity for listening to others has greatly expanded in the last year or so. I don't know if it is because I was away from everyone and everything for so long, or the trials and tribulations and surgeries and pain I had to endure. I don't know if it is because I lost my confidence, my zest, my passion and became more introspective. But it's different.

I ask more questions than I ever have before. Questions about people, their families, their lives. And I'm learning things I would have never known otherwise.

I have someone I work with who has rheumatoid arthritis. She takes the same chemotherapy shots every week. She's been on the anti-malaria drug. She goes to the rheumatologist frequently and has a battery of tests at each visit, just like me.

I have someone I work with who had a knee replacement (like me), but this person has also had both shoulders done recently (like me). We have gotten to know each other a bit better by going through the same kinds of things.

Just today I found someone I work with who quilts and does crafts, too. I never expected she would be doing those types of things in her free time. If I hadn't listened and asked questions, I would never have known.

I like listening and I like knowing about other people's lives. It's good for me to stop thinking so much about myself and start focusing on others. And it certainly more interesting to hear others' stories than dwelling on my own.

At dinner I did have to dwell on my own. With our daughter home tonight, my hubby wanted us to have a family conversation. I had mentioned to my husband last night about wanting to tell the rheumatologist I want off the merry go round. I want to stop all treatments. I want to stop putting heavy-duty toxic medications in my body. I want a treatment that works, but it is painfully clear that my only option at this point is my twice-denied by insurance infusions. My husband didn't think I should be making the decision on my own since it has the potential to affect them. We left the conversation with the agreement I would discuss it with the doctor, not make any decisions ahead of time.

So we'll see what tomorrow holds.

As for today, it held surprises at work and surprises on the road. A bit of snow dusted the roads and made things quite slick. But, oh so pretty when the sun came out. The bright sunshine made the picture not nearly as pretty as what I saw in person.