Day 933

I define myself by my work. As I sit in the chair during my infusion I know determining my value by my quality of work is not a good quality to hold onto. When I see and hear those people in the same boat as me, with the same illness, who sit alongside me, it becomes abundantly clear that my future isn't so bright. Most folks no longer hold down jobs, having long ago given into the illness and live life on disability.

But from what I've seen it's not really living. It's surviving. And I don't want to just survive. I want to live and in my book living equals work. (And play, of course!) But it worries me. If I don't have work to define myself by, what do I define myself by? I'm afraid I'll wind up substituting charity work to determine my value. Actually I think I already do that. Who else is crazy enough to sew 400 Christmas stockings for soldiers? Why not 20?

Nope, my flawed character says I've gotta do it big. And thanks to one of the folks in my school district for a big fabric donation that'll help me get closer to 400. Of course the overachiever in me decided I had to stack it two different ways and still couldn't decide which way I liked best.

Day 932

More fabric came in from hubby's school today. This bag of fabric had a note in it from the giver. A gal I worked with years and years ago who now works in hubby's school district wrote me a note and gave me some information about her special daughter-in-law who is a captain in the Air Force. She also shared where her daughter-in-law is stationed.

And here's the kicker.

In Alaska. Anchorage, to be exact. And to be even more specific at JBER. (That stands for Joint Base Elmendorf-Richardson.) What's significant about that military base?

That's the exact base I make all my Operation Kid Comfort quilts for. The one I just finished up quilts again last week for. The base I was able to visit two summers ago. The one where I was able to present quilts I had made to kids whose dad was deployed to Afghanistan. The visit where the three little kiddos pointed out pictures of themselves with their dad in their own individual quilts. The visit where the mom was in tears as she hugged me, thanking me for making the quilts for her kids. The visit that became one of the most memorable moments of my life.

What are the odds? Her daughter-in-law, the captain, delivers babies at the military base in Anchorage, Alaska. Babies who may be future recipients of quilts made by me here in little ole' Marsing, Idaho. Kind of makes me feel a bit more connected to the bigger world.

Day 931

I like to think I'm a strong person. It seems counterintuitive that illness would make someone stronger. I don't think it's so much the illness itself but what the illness has made me do.

Live life.

But I'm not feeling so strong right now. My pain, stiffness, and fatigue are approaching my maximum threshold. My knee has been increasingly been getting worse and needs replacing. I re-injured my rotator cuff a while back and it makes doing anything with my right arm - including cutting out stockings - quite difficult. And for some reason I feel like my lung issue might even be getting worse.

I'm in physical therapy to try and regain some strength. What kind of exercises does someone with a knee that needs replacing, a torn rotator cuff, and one functional lung do? Lots of things. Unfortunately mostly upper body work. Things that hurt. A lot. And wear me out. A lot. And make me not be able to catch my breath. A lot.

So yeah, not feeling so strong right now. Almost (okay kinda) was in tears when I got into the car tonight after physical therapy. I'm trying so hard to hold it all together. Kitty knows that, too. Could she squish any closer to me?

Day 930

What state does this tortilla chip look like? Idaho, of course. And no, I didn't break it to make it look like this.

Day 929

When you are dragging like I am right now it is a real treat to find someone to take you out to dinner at the local pizza place. It's good even if it is someone you pick up on the side of the road as you're driving home.

I am so against picking anyone up but when you come across your hubby as he walks home from school on a hot day you just have to stop.

Hot day, hot pizza. Yep, those are jalapeños on the pizza.