Society values people who are energetic and outgoing and exciting and fun. For years I tried to be that person. I really, really tried. Every morning gave myself a pep talk to help get introvert-self into teacher mode. Socially I committed to Christmas parties and birthday celebrations, baby showers, and weddings. Yet when the day came I would cancel. Then once my health deteriorated (has it really been 15 years?) it became downright impossible to be "on" anywhere. It was absolutely exhausting.
I even wrote about it on my blog six years ago:
It makes me sick to think about how hard it used to be. How hard it was just to get myself to work every single day. I remember the torture it was getting up, showered and dressed. I remember all too clearly the severe pain that filled my mornings. The pain so severe that I cried day after day on my way to work. The pain that stayed with me all through my work day.Now that I haven't been working for two full years (and haven't had to be fake), I have some clarity.
- Mornings are not for me. I remember the days of needing to take three hours to get showered, dressed, and out the door. Now I can wake up, put on some sweats, and shower once my body is ready. It still may take three hours but I decide what time I want to wake up.
- I need sunshine. Dreary, raining days are depressing. I'm slower, not motivated, and feel grumpy without sunshine. If our daughter didn't live nearby we would up and move to a warmer climate. If money was no object we would live on a cruise ship.
- I like not talking to anyone. Hubby had wanted me to take him to the movies today but changed his mind. Honestly, I was happy I didn't have to interact with anyone at the box office or concession stand today.
- I am fearful of running into people I know when I go out. I usually go to the grocery store late at night. If I need to go to a department or discount store I go on days I know school is in session. You'll never find me out of the house on a Friday, Saturday, or Sunday.
- I like being alone and need personal space. With hubby home all the time I've found the best way for me to have some space is to go into the sewing room and shut the door. I put on my headphones and then do my thing. Some times I write. Some times I organize fabric. Some times I go on the internet. Some times I just sit.
- I like animals as companions. We had to put our kitty down a couple years back. Kiddo let me babysit her new puppy last year but now he's grown and doesn't need me around. In the summer I get to foster baby kitties but in the winter there are no babies around. I miss that.
- Calling attention to myself would be pretty close to the worst thing in the world. As a fat person I was invisible. When I started losing weight I was getting more attention. I hated that and think that is one reason I started eating again.
- I have an addictive personality. I keep trading one addiction for another. Food. Work. Gambling. Alcohol. And sometimes more than one at the same time.
- I will never work in public education again. It's not for me. Enough said.
- I struggle with the disconnect between the person who I am at home and the one I am when traveling. Hubby and I have spent all of our vacation time from work - Spring Break, summertime, Thanksgiving, Christmas Break, long weekends - traveling. Now we have all the time in the world since neither of us is working, yet have not one vacation planned. Which is unfortunate because I feel like a normal person when traveling. Not like an abhorrent introvert.
- I have a great fear of not being perfect enough. I have plenty of memories and stories and pictures from all of those years of travels. Enough to write a dozen books I'm sure, but fear of not doing it right holds me back.
I'm clearly not living up to my potential. Maybe even wasting my skills. The ultimate Tuesday truth.
